jPay Message #217

Every few weeks, the admin plays movies on the local prison channel. Theyre all newer movies, but rarely are they movies I wanted to see. They do show the blockbusters, but goddamn I’m sick of watching the Avengers. And most disappointedly any time an R rated film airs, it’s edited.

This Christmas, there was a slate of movies on rotation: Tenet, Mary Queen of Scots, Peppermint, Guest House, plus a few more I can’t remember the names of.

They were all watchable (not a very high bar when you’re locked up), but the latter was, to everyone’s delight, uncensored.

Pauly Shore stars in Guest House along with other B-celebs like Steve-O and Charlotte McKinney. Mostly forgettable, it’s about a couple that moves into a house where Pauly Shore inexplicably continues to live in the guest house as terms to purchasing the house. He’s a self-described “drug connoisseur” whose party antics irritate the engaged couple, and engender a war between him and the boyfriend.

There’s a few funny lines, but by far it’s most redeeming feature are the couple of scenes rife with nudity. Not jus a quick flash of tits and out; no, minutes long naked exposure of a half-dozen no-name, yet hot af, girls. It was like popping viagra for my eyeballs.

I haven’t seen much porn more hardcore than Playboy for years now, and not even much of that either, so seeing naked tits in video is a special treat.

Among convicts, it’s whispered that TCM- the channel that plays classic movies in black and white-sometimes shows softcore porn at 3 or 4 in the morning. Granted, it’s the worst-quality smut ever: grainy, incredibly dated, & zero penetration. But these flicks have an elusive quality about em unavailable anywhere else; that is, tits-in-motion (or as I’ve termed it in my head, TIM or Timmy, for short). 

After so long locked up with all dudes, the image of tits bouncing and jiggling around becomes an increasingly remote scenario. Tits also seem harder to recall and fantasize about than a bouncing ass, which can sometimes be glimpsed on ordinary cable television.

I probably watched Guest House a half dozen times for that sole reason, and as titillating as it was, I was made painfully aware of how long itd be until I could experience some real Timmy in the flesh again…(and the thought of that alone represents all that is worth going home to.)

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