One thing about prison life is the suddenly revelatory nature of dreams. In fact, dreaming becomes so vivid that it becomes a sort of second life…i start to wonder if it’s a truer reality than my daytime consciousness, which now feels abruptly evanescent. It’s like what that Buddhist philosopher said: I dreamed I was a butterfly who dreamt that it was a man dreaming it was a butterfly. Who’s to say which is which?

two nights ago, I dreamed I was making out with a high school crush at a party and then I tried playing with her clit and she got angry for moving too fast. I was unable to talk her down. Then I was with Jules, the pakistani girl fro “Summer House”. i tried to smash but she suddenly left with some douche (isn’t it always some douche?) and I felt hurt before i started exploring the rest of the house. I went from room to room, each one providing new sensations, until I was overwhelmed with the feeling that I was lost, that his house had transformed into a maze of rooms I would be unable to navigate out of.

Last night, I dreamed I was in a creative writing class. I was the star pupil, despite being abrasive in discussion. the blond haired lady professor (she was vaguely my 8th grade teacher) showed me a special bathroom and pissing in that toilet reflected my success. Then, the dream suddenly shifted to a formal or wedding. A girl I used to sleep with was there and I could feel her watching me. My date was much prettier, and I could feel her eyes like daggers, and as we were sitting down to eat, I was awakened by the announcement for breakfast.

These dreams may not mean much but they are much more interesting (and preferable ) than my current existence. Maybe the only revealing thing about these dreams is that I’m a pervy egotist but I also know as my life is on pause, I’m watching the world from a caged distance. My mind is stuck in the spring of 2018, but I know everything has changed. I don’t know if my dreams point the way forward or to a past that could’ve been, but seeing all of life’s possibilities in my dream world provides some much needed hope and solace.

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