“So you’re going to prison…”

ok, you fucked up, and it’s time to pay the piper. millions do everyday. it’s alright to start admitting you had bigger drinking/drugging problem than “a joint every other weekend.”

you’re going to a place where “worldly success” skews towards higher testosterone levels rather than higher IQ levels.

there’s nothing I could say that’d adequately convey “what prison is like”. still, here are 6 things you should know:

1. not being muscular in prison is like entering college a virgin– uncool. I did both. if you’re smart, you’ll start doing push-ups now. it’s amazing what pecs do for your self-esteem.

2. load up on self-help, meaning-of-life, inspirational literature. you’re gonna need it. the starting place is “the power of now” and feed yourself a steady diet of Carnegie, Allen, Murray, etc. Eventually, you’re gonna ask yourself some tough questions and come up with uncomfortable answers. 

3. the importance of being clean cut: sorry, any shaggy Beetle haircut has got to go. before I got a haircut, my hair wasn’t even touching my ears but I felt positively feral. its better to accentuate your masculinity. longish hair sends out a faggy vibe. extremes only, you either go crew cut fade or long hair/beard viking.

4. Two books are mandatory: “You are Your Own Gym” by Mark Lauren and the American Heritage Dictionary. Both are great reference books and if you were ever stupid enough to sell them, they fetch top dollar on the yard.

5. your Google results are shit. jus be reconciled to the fact that a search of up of your name is gonna bring up your worst moments. get reconciled to to the fact that you’re shitty credit and criminal history will probably be on the first page. 

6. be honest with yourself. meditate. you’re gonna have to learn to be alone with yourself and be cool, or go back to your old ways. I’ve heard prison compared to a “choose your own adventure.” it will either be crime school for criminals; or it’s a the most extreme version of drug rehab/self improvement retreat-seminar.

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