I’m a week into my 5 weeks of LOP, and losing my mind. I got my TV taken away. It turns out these messages are actually monitored. At least I’ve got one reader.
unfortunately, the staff at jackson correctional didnt take too kindly to my nuanced sarcasm, at least, at first. My unit got raided, and I realize I probably shouldn’t have joked about the statute of limitations. when im being that stupid, im reminded of the cliche of acting desperate for attention, but hating the limelight. i dont really have anything to hide, but why poke the bear? ugh, my idiocy sometimes.
I realize I gotta slow down. I gotta change the way I do things. There’s a big difference in mentality when you’re doing a year versus six. Literally, any one can do 18 months. It passes by so quickly you have old friends that don’t even know you’re locked up. But now, it’s like… what I’ve done so far wasn’t hard, but the years stretch out before me. It’s like a yawning canyon I need to cross, a chasm I could get lost in. I’ve never felt so sincerely sorry, and yet, completely cognizant of how inadequate any apology is. I just hope my life isn’t defined by a single event, and I can see that happening, ya know, for simple human reasons.
Anyweezy, Im not getting my TV back from the police for another month. Thats how I know Im fucking up in here–everytime I get in my bunk, I look at a blank wall and an empty shelf. Furthermore, I ran out of books to read. I’m stuck in the cube, so I can only do pushups for exercise. I sold the gross chicken on the bone for two soups; collected bread at dinner so I can make pb&j’s when I’m back at the house; and then got a quick workout in (dips, pull ups, 3.5 mile run), so I wouldn’t lose my mind.
The first couple laps round the track I’m thinking, fuck man this is it, this is my life… but it doesn’t have to be. I can do better. I can change. I even have. But I need to act smarter, especially cuz im in prison.
it’s hot out, the sun feels great, im two miles in, and sweat is like my body’s way of saying, here come the endorphins… and then all those thoughts about prison, and my life, and my role in society and the people around me, all those trivial complaints vanish…then the new song i just downloaded queues up (it’s Ciara’s “Body Party”, lol yikes, that’s embarrassing, but dont judge me til you watch the video), and I feel some kind of invincible…thats why working out is a prison necessity: you need that attitude and you need it for real, there’s no chemical substitute. All worries melt away with the sweat; and in my mind, a loud, pleasurable hum resonates….Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.