“The Art of Pettiness”

When direct communication fails, my only recourse is passive aggressive head games. Not just a bug, my bunkie’s a whiner too, always grumbling under his breath. Any time someone does something he doesn’t like, like breathe too loud, he sighs “on boy” or “aw man.” Little does he know that when you share such a small, enclosed space, putting that constant negativity out there makes everyone around want to kill you.

I need to give him a taste of his own medicine. 

He’s like a little kid who loves candy, so I’ll buy Jolly Ranchers just so I can give everyone on this side of the cube but him a piece of candy. After enough torture, I’ll throw him a few Apples, his favorite flavor, and make him promise to shut the fuck up and behave. Then, he’s all quiet and content, like he’s satisfied sucking his candy. It’s his weakness.

He’s also a germaphobe who hallucinates smells that aren’t there. Anytime I get down from the bunk, he sprays down the floor and his bunk(!), like the sheets and his pillow, with the sanitizer bottle from the bathroom, muttering about smells. But really, the solution in the spray bottle smells like mop water if you let it sit for a few minutes. He’s making the matter worse just to have something to bitch about.

I’m coming back with the same energy he puts out there. Every time he comes into or leaves the cube, I shoot baby powder up into the air, sometimes aiming the cloud of dust in front of his face, so the point isn’t lost on him, but it’s been 2 weeks now, and he hasn’t said anything. I can only hope he’s seething in silence.

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