“Penitentiary Mating Calls”

Every action and the simplest gestures are shaded with extra meanings. Prison contains all kinds of universes coexisting in the same space. For some, it’s a Crime U; for others, it’s a seedy gay nightclub.

When I was locked up in county, some ex-(soon to be present-) con told me farting loudly is like a mating call in the joint after I complained about my cell mates’ flatulence. I thought he was joking.

I’ve previously written about a flaming bunkie who’d smell farts like he was sniffing a glass at a wine tasting. This was probably the most uncomfortable living situation I’ve ever been in.

As a joke, my cubie and I have been labeling any kind of suspect behavior as a mating call. 

It started when after I noticed a certain habit among some people while they were brushing their teeth in the morning. They’d gag loudly like they were about to throw up. At first, I thought it might be due to the overwhelming stink of shit that sometimes dominates the bathroom. Or the tiny toothbrushes we’re given, a third of the size of a regular one, which aren’t allowed because they can be whittled into a weapon of some sort. I mentioned this to Skip, who made a convincing point. If it sounds like you’re trying deep throat your fist while in a male prison, you’re not just brushing your teeth, you’re trying to find a date. It’s like the real life, criminal equivalent of a Craigslist personal ad for casual sex, but maybe less pathetic. 

We recently uncovered another potential mating call from my current bunkie. He has almost no teeth and sucks on hard candy all day. Actually, “sucks” kinda undersells how loud he smacks his lips–it sounds like the dirtiest XXX porno on high volume.

Skip wondered what what was wrong with my bunkie–besides the obvious–if he knew how loud he was being, and what potential signals he was sending out. To be honest, my bunkie’s half retarded so in all likelihood he was oblivious to what he was doing.

“Showoff,” I said. “He’s trying to flirt.”

Leave a Comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s