jPay Message #375

Sometimes it’s hard to live up to the standards we set ourselves.

So, for the last year, I’ve been reading from James Allen’s book of daily meditations. Today’s counsel was on humility, and not insisting on the last word, and accepting the appearance of defeat, which has proven a bitter pill to swallow.

Two months ago, I got a new bunkie, and he’s as insufferable as he is obese. At 400+ lbs. he cant even walk around unassisted, inching along with a walker at only 50 years old. He’s a big–literally–follower of the Nation of Islam, but then acts like there’s nothing racist about it or Louis Farrakhan. 

Because he’s spent the majority of his adult life in prison, he’s had a lot of time to read; consequently, he thinks he’s always the smartest guy in the room, and has the unsavory habit of offering his opinion on every current event. What’s worse, he’ll declare, “I don’t care about politics, I’m not a Democrat or Republican..” then go on a rant Don Lemon would be proud of. It’s not his opinions that irk me, it’s his fucking lack of self-awareness that I fucking detest. 

Case in point: today, he cut into me about shaking the bunk. Admittedly, I did jump once or twice while watching the UM-Ohio State game, but for the most part, I just quietly lay there. On the other hand, he rattles the whole bed frame with his every move. He turned over in his sleep and my water bottle was shaking like that scene from Jurassic Park.

I let him know that, and then he threatened to “fold” me up and throw my shit in the hallway. I just laughed these idle threats off with a shrug and a nod. “Okay, dude, you cant even walk to the chow hall on your own”–his fatass is hauled in a wheelchair–“or walk down the hallway without losing your breath.”

This only pissed him off more. “I swear, Pete, Im gonna fuck you up if you dont watch your smart mouth.”

I just laughed in his face again. He seethed. It was a lose-lose situation. Nothing’s worse than having a fat bitch in a wheelchair tell you off, except maybe the repercussion for beating up a fat bitch in a wheelchair who also happens to be in the Nation of Islam. 

It’s worth biting my tongue now, practicing some of that lauded “humility” and “meekness” than to deal with avalanche of racially-charged bullshit later.

After all, if he cant even get a cup of coffee on his own, what would make me think he’d fight his own fights alone?

As you know ive been reading a lotof self-help/inspirational books lately and its actually made a major difference in my life…i know i know im in prison so what difference does that make? but trust me, its been huge. especially over the past yearive made such big changes and improvements im actually proud of myself, as lame as that sounds. by far, james allen’s “mind is the master” has made the biggest impact . its an anthology of his works, one ofwhich is a book of meditations for every day of the year…theother days was this:

“–everything that happens is just.
–nothing is fated, everything is formed.

As you think, you travel; as you love, you attract. you are today where your thoughts have brought you; you will be tomorrow where your thoughts take you. you cannot escape the results of your thoughts, but you can endure and learn, can accept and be glad.

You will always come to the place where your love (your most abiding and intense thought) can reccecive its measure of gratification. if your love be base, you will come to a base place; if it be beautiful, you will come to a beautiful place.

You can alter your thoughts, and so alter your condition. You are powerful, not powerless.”

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