“Dreaming Brand New”

I got the post workout blow, really feeling myself, rocking blue sweats and a beater. pulling it off, too.

for once, things have been going well, but i cant believe it took until here. Im grinding on all cylinders: writing, working out, and little habits of self-discipline. I can start to see the vision; it’s coming in to focus.

Ive already accepted the future success, calling out affirmations like little prayers to the universe.

im trying to add to the prison lit genre, like parts of the bible, Dostoevsky, Jordan belfort etc etc. Im dreaming big–books, HBO option, etc. (Are ex-cons always this earnest?).

I’ve already internalized the big sales, so I’m trying to picture what I’m coming home too. It’s years off, but still, the clearest goal I’ve ever had. I can already feel the outside world respond to my efforts, in messages, letters, and jpays, and even then a few hundred readers who never comment, but read every post.

It’s funny: I started the blog as a way to deal with this delivery-causing-death charge, which made me look like an asshole and this was an attempt to humanize myself. Granted, no one ever looks good in these cases, and I’d been running in place for 6 years leading up to it.

Now it’s evolved into a whole other thing, part memoir, part diary, part lit crit, part social observation. I’m making a risky fucking bet right now on “college-educated straight white man in the joint,” which is anathema to the woke corporate tyranny. It’s a gamble that novelty will beat out suppression.

At first, I wondered how much too keep to myself, until i realized this was my reality, I am what what I do and think, after all, so I might as well embrace it.

I’m obsessed with doing push ups lately. Bouncing, wide-grip, close grip, or with feet on a table. Supersets. Fastest way to get shredded.

It hits me, that maybe, I’ve been reading too much inspirational self help, which is the folk religion of the yard. stuff like the secret, Joseph Allen, and now, Joseph Murray.

They contain all sorts of self-evident truths about life, and help build up all the qualities I lacked before–gratitude, a positive mindset, presence, diligence (a fancy way of saying I floss twice a day and handwashing clothes to keep em clean and white).

I work everyday, and the small things don’t seem all that different from the big things, even the big big things. I’m equally attentive and thoughtful in all situations. Reading things like, “If you do not like what you are, make-believe you are that which you long to be. Accept it, sustain the mood or belief and you will embody that state.”

Then, I read about how Robert Louis Stevenson used to tell himself to dream up his next huge book, saying, “These little brownies can tell me a story piece by piece, like a series, and keep me, its supposed creator, all the while in total ignorance of where they aim.” (Even in the 1800s, “little brownies” either refers to drugs, specifically pot, or aliens.)

Forreal, tho. Playing with consciousness is something spirituality seekers and inmates (is there a difference?) are wont to do.

Start to imagine something as guaranteed as next Wednesday, e.g. an important goal of yours. Accept that goal as your future reality in the same staid, manner-of-fact way you consider next Wednesday. Watch as all of (your) life changes accordingly, accommodating, automatically making it happen. I’m thinking up some long-term goals…OK, right now, envisioning parole, coming home to a different (second?) life, picking out the details … how bout. Beautiful girls singing Kehlani’s “Gangsta” to me, and meaning it. They can lip-sync too, that’ll work, too. I want special one among em…

Before I drift off into a lazy daydream, I take this vision, fold it up, tuck&seal it into an imaginary envelope, then mailing it to my future self at the appropriate time. I need to jump back into my physical body, to lose myself in the journey, so while I’m looking forward to tomorrow’s push-ups, (getting yuge!), I get down and do burn out sets to failure, becoming the physical counterpart today to the overinflated sense of self I’m picturing myself as.

N.B.: There are 3 types of convicts who can pull off a wife beater in prison without looking like a potential victim: fat, tatted up, or in shape. I’m neither fat or inked, and shoulders. (damn, I was almost about to say “delts” if that’s any sign I’m a “fitness” guy now.)

3 Comments

  1. Scott Hilton says:

    Hey, stumbled upon these remarkably well written vignettes today on reddit and am now impelled to go back to the beginning. The writing style is so relaxed and comfortable, you just want to read more. Please keep writing and thank you for the honest and insightful account of your current journey.

    Like

    1. Melissa Polito says:

      Hello today I came across your well written blogs. I wish the best for you. Do you have a court date set up to find out when you will be sentenced for the individual that in no means did anyone twist his arm to use any kind of drug as people know that when you use drugs you are playing a game of Russian Roulette with taking chances with your life. It would be a lot different if you physically shoved whatever drug it was down his or her throat. My parents were killed on a car crash by a drunk driver and of course he survived it was his 3rd offense and he was out in seven years and my Mom was dead on scene and my dad tried to hold on and was in life support for three days. But he also passed. So my brother and I lost both of our parents which we were extremely close to. They were the most amazing parents and I will see them again when its my time but for now my life has a huge void in it. It feels as if my heart was ripped right out of my chest. And the piece of shit who killed them and then tried to take off but THANKFULLY THERE WAS A CAR WHO WITNESSED IT AND KEPT FOLLOWING HIM WHILE CALLING THE COPS. USUALLY THAT WOULD be a SNITCH but not in a case like this. But what did it matter he received a lousy 7 years for his 3rd offense dwi and this time killing 2 people who were my parents. People deal with death different. I have a brother who is one year older than me. I am 34 he is 35. My parents were killed when we were 16 and 17. But the pain never goes away. I never got to say goodbye. We all had plans that coming weekend to go to the Poconos and go snow tubing. But instead my parents were gone all because of a disgusting, selfish, monster. It did not even phase him. He showed no remorse. I know that karma will take care of him eventually. But after my parents sudden death my brother and I went down two separate roads. My grandparents now took care of us so we lived with them. And I thank God for them every day or we would have went into foster homes. But my brother never really dealt with his grief. And instead started using drugs he says because it made him feel numb. And he then just kept getting himself in trouble with the law. Never doing anything to anyone else…but would get pulled over and have drugs on him….and then violation of probation….and then in and out of prison…and then he would chose parole but the program is impossible. My feelings on that is that your parole officers are supposed to be there for you…..but instead they ARE JUST WAITING TO CATCH YOU ON ANYTHING THEY CAN WHETHER ITS VIOLATION OF CURFEW…THEY WANT YOU TO WORK FULL TIME BUT YOU HAVE A CURFEW OF 5 PM AND THEN YOU NEED TO TAKE OFF ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK TO GO CHECK IN…HOW DOES ONE POSSIBLY EVEN HAVE A CHANCE…AND EVENTUALLY HE WOULD END UP USING AND BE TO SQUARE ONE…OR HE WOULD MISS A COURT DATE AND THEN HAVE A WARRENT AND BE A NERVOUS WRECK EVERYTIME HE SAW A COP OR HEARD A KNOCK ON THE DOOR…. unfortunately Its a shame that once you become a felon its almost like no one wants to give you a new start on life and they will always view you as the same person. Which is sad…because people do make mistakes and they learn and grow from them….and everyone (well not everyone because I feel child molesters should suffer, and there are many other crimes that people commit where they should never be free again) and that’s just my opinion . But as far as drugs or things like that people can recover if given a chance and having people believe in them. I NEVER GAVE UP ON MY BROTHER NO MATTER WHAT. HE DECIDED TO JUST GO MAX OUT AND DO HIS TIME AND I TALKED TO HIM EVERYDAY ON THE PHONE AND SENT HIM $100 WEEKLY. WHICH THE PHONE ALONE COST ME A FORTUNE. AND TODAY HE WORKS FOR THE LOCAL PLUMBERS UNION, IS MARRIED, BOUGHT A HOME, AND HAS THREE BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTERS. As for myself I did not choose the path of drugs I choose to go straight to college right from high school and while in college I worked two jobs, and met my now husband of 25 years. Well in July we were married for 15 years and October 22 which is my Moms birthday is when we started dating and will be together for 25 years. I graduate college with my masters in Education and Psychology . And I am also a real estate agent. I have a 12 year old son and just battled a long battle of cancer and as of now I’m in Remission. I had 28 chemotherapy session and 16 radiation sessions. What a scary time in my life not knowing if I was going to live or die and leave my son without a mother 💔 which was terrible for me and I did not want the same for him. Although my husband is amazing and him and my son are like best friends . My husband had a horrible childhood his mother was a drug addict and a go go dancer and his father was a cheating alcoholic. So he has two sisters which he says are DEAD TO HIM BECAUSE THEY ARE JUST EVIL SNEAKY BITCHES WHO LIVE OFF THE STATE AND SIT ON THEIR ASSES BUT PUT EVERY Day. So he is very much a part of our sons life.
      I love reading your stuff but I know this is easier said then done…but try not to partake in things that are going to get you in even deeper trouble. Try to think positive you don’t know what the future holds for you …you did not go and get sentenced for the other charge yet…I know my brother used to tell me that he would always before court dates when he was locked up and he knew he would be going to court he would prepare himself for the worst that way 8f the worst happened he was already preparing himself. But my personal opinion is people who have drug problems or were drug addicts and were tossed in jail…..that in no way shape or form helps the individual. It actually is worse. Because they meet more connections. So I don’t agree with that. They need help. And there not getting it sitting in a jail cell where they are exposed to more drugs. It seems as if you have a sister who cares about you. So that is good. But I’m going to be BRUTALLY HONEST WITH YOU…FROM READING SOME THONGS YOU WRITE IT SEEMS TO ME AS IF YOU HAVE NOT LEARNED A SINGLE THING AND THAT THIS HAS NOT BEEN A LIFE LESSON FOR YOU YET. WHICH IS SAD. Some individuals just live their whole life being owned by the state as an inmate and just keep going back and going back and going back….and what you said about lawyers is true. But if you are paying decent money for your attorney and its not a public defender…AND YOU DON’T FEEL LIKE HE HAS YOUR BEST INTEREST AT HEART…BECAUSE YOU ARE INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY…..THEN I WOULD THINK OF GETTING A DIFFERENT LAWYER…YOU DID NOT SEEM SO POSITIVE ABOUT THIS LAWYER….JUST A SUGGESTION AND SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT…THEY ARE BEING PAID TO REPRESENT YOU AND FIGHT YOUR CASE AND TRY TO GET YOU THE BEST CIRCUMSTANCES….I WILL DEFINITELY KEEP YOU IN my PRAYERS…AND KEEP YA HEAD UP SON…

      Like

      1. Brendan says:

        Why does it not seem like brother has learned anything ? I suggest you keep reading . Or reach out to him

        Like

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