Swimming in post workout endorphins, I lose myself in reverie, picturing the “getting sentenced to prison” montage for the future hbo show. It’ll start with my sentencing, broadcast on youtube and conducted over Zoom (a nod to the covid era); followed by a sequence detailing the difficulties of adjusting to life in the joint; finally wrapping up with highlights of my evolution and self-discipline: writing regularly, doing a fuck ton of push ups every other day, restraining my vices. drake’s “laugh now cry later” plays in the background…
when everything transpired on the legal front (for the first 8 months of this blog) I threw a pity party for myself, getting on my melodramatic Megan Markle woe-is-me bullshit, like I was a powerless victim of circumstances.
I slowly learned, after all the self help books(among others: James Allen, Joseph Murray, Eckhart Tolle, The Secret, etc.) that my whole destiny was in my control.
The carelessness, recklessness, the constant self-indulgence of my past life left a huge debt that was in arrears, and I was unable to rectify.. I reaped what I sowed…I finally got over myself. my shit fucking stinks too, I learned…I’m trying to figure out how to be a better person; id exhausted every other alternative, and a meaningful life was found wanting.
I meditate upon waking, and pray (sometimes) before I go to sleep. Im able to recognize my own personal failings, and, more importantly, have the willpower to change. Unfortunately, I’ve accrued a lot of bad habits afters years of a selfish existence, but Im steadily toppling them over, like old idols fallen out of favor.